I grew up in rural Missouri with conservative parents. Almost every lesson I learned as a girl (knitting, sewing, cooking, cleaning) was how to run a household and how to support a man.
I wanted out.
I wanted to find own way.
I wanted a real voice.
First, I had to reach escape velocity.
Once I did, once I was out, I was left alone. It was fine to do my own thing, as long as I understood I’d be on my own.
I was left alone.
Really alone.
I could not ask for ANYTHING.
The message I got again and again – expect no help.
Meanwhile, the brothers who stayed were given every possible leg up, which shows today in everything they have and everything they own. In other words, they are secure.
I’m still searching.
I’m 57 now, an artist/novelist/coach, and everything I know about being an indie woman artist and finding the support I need has been hard-won.. I’ve learned a lot from my clients’ journeys, too.
- First and foremost, any spiritual connection you have is a thousand times more supportive than any person could ever be. Spend most of your time cultivating that alignment with spirit. The emotional and practical support you get from this connection goes far beyond anything that could ever be done to help you in your normal day-to-day life. You’ll feel better. Ideas will flow. You’ll know where to turn for practical support. Support often appears as if by magic. This spiritual connection gets rid of a lot of the “struggle”.
- Please stop expecting so much support from women who have not figured out their own issues. And is it fair to expect a woman, who is trained in the dysfunction of being just a caregiver, to caregive you? Accept the help, but don’t expect it. Lift these women helpers up. For all of us to really be free, we can’t just become the “man” in the man/woman paradigm and expect selfless caregiving from women. We need to shift the entire paradigm.
- Look at where support is coming to you. Stop looking at where it’s not flowing. Stop crying over unsupportive friends or parents. They’re part of the old paradigm. Expecting them to give support they’ve never received or truly don’t understand – it’s just hitting your head against a wall. Let them go. (This is a journey and can take a while to achieve.)
- A friend recommended this, and it’s great advice. Write out what real support looks like to you. Go as big and wild and full of hope as you can. Vision Board it. Manifest it. (Give it time to come to you.)
- You may turn away support. You’re not used to receiving it. It may feel invasive. You don’t trust it. People have used you before. Look for where you’re turning away the very thing you need.
- Many of my clients say: I’ll follow my artistic passion once I receive support. It doesn’t work that way. You have to take the leap for support to appear.
- Support may appear in an unusual package. You really have to let go of expectations on the who, what, when and where of support. And the how. Let it go. When you demand or command it from a certain person or a group of people and it doesn’t come, it’s crushing. Be open to allowing the universe to provide support for you in its own way.
- Support yourself. A big rule in this game – you have to support yourself. Buy the art supplies. Set up the studio. Commit to the writing time. Get healthy. Do the foundational work for yourself. Don’t expect someone else to do it. They can’t.
- Accept the truth that women do not receive as much support for their passion projects as men. I know there are people reading this saying: “Oh my husband’s a great support.” First, this is a long long conversation. What is the ratio between your caregiving and the support you receive? I’ve seen this again and again with clients. They spend decades cleaning and cooking, and oh yeah, they get support after two decades of giving. Is this really fair? And even if you are receiving such support, please stop saying this to women looking for support. Just stop. There’s a global paradigm that we’re up against, and your comment doesn’t take into consideration a larger reality. If you have any doubt what we’re up against as women, watch the Netflix documentary This Changes Everything about women directors and writers in Hollywood.
- Support other women when you’re ready. Follow your own passions first, then when you’re established, help other women. Part of our journey as women artists in shifting this paradigm is to find our own way, then help the women coming up behind us. Giving back is a major part of healing this paradigm of women/art/support.
For some women I coach, giving up a mainstream career to follow their artistic passions or their passions to be a coach – it can feel like jumping into an abyss. Just know that any moves you make in the direction of your dreams, however small the steps, is a dismantling of the toxic patriarchy and a building of the Divine Feminine. Sending you all of the love and support in the world.
Contact me if you’d like a creative healing session around finding support for your passions.
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A reminder that I’m now doing in-person healing sessions in my Oregon yurt, using tarot, shamanism and energy work. Contact me if you’d like to come to the yurt, or if you’d like to work remotely. More info can be found here on my website.
Caroline Allen
Novelist, visual artist, coach
carolineallen.com
Award-winning author of Earth, Air, Fire, Water
info@carolineallen.com